Marriage is a bond, not just between two human beings, but their families also. But, it is not always a good experience throughout. It sometimes has its ups and sometimes its downs. But, to actually identify an unhappy marriage is difficult. It becomes more difficult to know when your marriage has turned unhappy when you have been married for too long.

Hence, below are 7 Signs of an Unhappy Marriage

1. No Sharing With Each Other:

When two people are living together but do not have anything to share with each other, then it is the first sign. But, it is possible that the two people have reached a level of understanding that they can enjoy the silence together. A couple who have been married for a very long time can reach the level of understanding. But, when there is love-lessness in the atmosphere and the silence is awkward, then it becomes a warning sign.

2. No Common Interest Left:

When two people start growing apart from each other, their common interests starts fading away. Earlier, they used to enjoy doing at least one thing together. But, when the common interests aren’t there, then the marriage has turned unhappy. Even they have been married for years, there will be still one fun thing to do, to keep the fun alive in a marriage filled with love.

3. Emotional Affairs:

When living with a spouse, your partner becomes your ear. You are able to share anything and everything with him/her. Talking to him/her makes you feel happy and comforting. But, when you are not able to do so, and find comfort in sharing your innermost and deepest thoughts with others, then it is a warning sign. Thus, in an unhappy marriage, you will not be willing to share your secrets with your spouse and will find comfort in someone other while sharing.

4. Don’t Have any Complaints:

It’s very rare that two people living together don’t have any complaints from each other. These couples have a deeper understanding of what their partner is doing and what are their positives and negatives. But, if you are living in a marriage, where you have a lot of complaints but are unwilling to say them to your spouse, then it is another warning sign. Hence, if you feel like complaining is a waste of breath or time, then it is probably because the marriage is unhappy.

5. Frequently Disrespecting each other:

In a loveless marriage, the frequency of arguments increases a lot. The couple starts disrespecting each other by name calling, curse words or purposeful words which will hurt the other person. Sometimes, it also takes the turn of domestic violence, when different things are thrown each other, or one of them hits the others.

6. Lack of Trust:

When living in an unhappy marriage, you stop trusting your spouse completely. Trust is one of the basic foundations of marriage. If you or your partner start questioning and doubting each other, then you are actually living in an unhappy marriage.

7. Drinking or Drug Use:

When people are in an unhappy marriage, they often tend to “drown” their feelings with alcohol, cigarettes, or other kinds of drugs. Thus, helping them to escape the reality and even facing their spouse. If this behaviour is sudden, and without any reason then it might be possible that it is because of an unhappy marriage.

Living in an unhappy marriage can lead to various mental health issues, including depression, anxiety or panic attacks. If you think or you know about someone who is living in an unhappy marriage, then please consult with a marriage counsellor immediately.

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Bully Daughter-in-law?

Yes, it is possible that your son’s dear wife is bully. Hence, it is your misfortune that you daughter-in-law is a bully. She resents you, her mother-in-law, and as a result of that, in covert or not so coveted fashion she is bullying you. So, nothing you do is correct, even when you help her raise her children or help in the kitchen. Thus, in her attention, your focus is always on her husband and you are always trying to destroy their relationship.

More often than not, people don’t realize that their daughter-in-law is a bully. People often shrug off this idea by rationalizing that it is her who is feeling difficult to settle down and you are the one who is not able to understand her. Even when you try and discuss this with your son, he dismisses the idea by saying, “she is doing whatever she can do”. Here, it is first important to know, what is bullying? Bullying is an unacceptable act or behavior among children. Hence, bullying is the use of force, threats, coercion, intimation and/or aggressive and dominant behavior to subjugate the other.

The following seven points are indications that your daughter-in-law is a bully. If you observe these behaviours in her; it is a good opportunity to talk to an experienced psychologist:

• She prevents you to make a contact with your son or grandchildren.
• Refuses to have any contact with you, what so ever, thus skipping on opportunities to communicate
• Makes snide comments about you, in presence of other family members, trying to belittle you
• She will not allow you to visit your son
• Makes you feel as if you are a burden in the family and always trying to destroy your relationships.
• Manipulates her husband and you by crying, misbehaving or pouting till everyone agrees to her demands.
• Saying hurtful and mean things to you.

If you feel that your daughter-in-law is a bully, then the first person you need to talk to is your son. Thus, it is his duty also to sort out the situation and act as a buffer and medium between the two of you. If you find the stress dealing with a “bully” daughter-in-law is taking a toll on your mental well-being it is an excellent opportunity to meet with an experienced counselor.

Also, Read – Seven Signs Your Mother-in-law is a bully

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OMG Arranged Marriage!

Before immediately judging the concept of ‘arranged marriage’ as dinosaur era ideology, it makes sense to take a good look at your own home. Your parents or grand-parents were the beneficiaries of the same system and most of them adjusted well to each other towards a fulfilling life and of course with the occasional hassles. Who is to say the same hassles don’t happen in love marriages anyway?

So yes, you can arrange your way towards love filled relationship. It’s totally within reach and highly possible with openness, mutual respect and understanding. The only difference between arranged and love relationships is that the couple in the arranged setting has to put in extra efforts after the marriage which the couples in love have been through already. So, the amount of hard-work is still the same. Following are a few tips for navigating this seemingly uncertain yet a possibly most beautiful journey of your life:

Optimism:

Couples in arranged marriage tend to have more love and affection as time grows than couples in love marriage (We’re not discouraging couples in love!). So be optimistic about possibilities rather than being hyper-critical about road-blocks.

Friendship:

Whether it is before the marriage or after the marriage, spend more alone time with your partner, try to get to know them and their preferences. Learn about their childhood. Empathize with their struggles and congratulate/celebrate their victories and growth.

Expectations:

This is the most important of all. It is crucial to communicate your expectations beforehand. Attune your mind and body and know what you need and communicate it all without any shame or apprehension (Yes! Sexual preferences included). This will give you a safer chance of preserving your identity and individuality post-marriage.

Fall in love:

Gradually but definitely. Don’t rush it neither be worried that it’s not happening quickly enough. Give it the time it deserves and be more appreciative of the good things your partner does than be put off by occasional errors. Somewhere between understanding and helping each other become better, the passion for each other rises to an appropriate amount and before you know, you fall in love.

Each other’s shoes:

Do a role-reversal and try to get into your partner’s role for a day to get a first-hand experience of their challenges. That helps you empathize and appreciate their difficulties leading to greater understanding.

Give more than you get:

This doesn’t need much explanation. If both of you adopt this behaviour, the relationship is sure to be beautiful.

Chores and creativity:

Indulge in board games, house-hold chores and any other creative activities together. The idea is not to compete but collaborate and relishing each other’s wins.

Indulge in board games, household chores, and any other creative activities together. The idea is not to compete but collaborate and relishing each other’s wins.

These tips should help you achieve the imperfect perfection in your relationship and arrange your way towards love.

Note: A gift to self.

If you are yet to be married, it is a great idea to go for pre-marital counselling to ward off all negative possibilities and gift yourself the best start that you can get!

Heartbreaks Hurt Deeply

Heartbreaks hurt deeply and give a hard pull on the strings that we grew attached to. Hence, it leaves us ripped to the core, overwhelmed with overpowering emotions of loss, despair, panic, shame, and hopelessness about the present and future. They also make a deep dent in our belief systems towards love and relationships. Thus, no one anticipates or wishes for such situation and it becomes difficult to handle yourself in those moments while you are still yearning to re-live the good times with your mate.

However, the sun has to shine, birds have to chirp, flowers have to bloom and life has to move on. Hence, it’s best to get over the pain and emotional ache before it gets out of hand. Let us look at the positive ways of coping with such situation:

Coping Mechanisms

Emotions: The emotional crisis is real and pretty much everyone who faces the situation will feel just like you. So, avoid bottling up your feelings and let them out, through tears if you will. By doing this, you will make moving on easier for yourself.

Activities: Also, engage in activities that you enjoy and let you relax. That keeps the mind off the heartbreak and the feeling will subside over time.

Accept: Most importantly, accept the happening and accept yourself and remember that it was just a learning experience which will have a positive effect on your future. This one person’s love need not be the end of love for you. Avoid self-hatred and sense of rejection towards self and focus on self-nurture.

Mingle: Make it a point to meet friends and family and plan trips or outings with them.  They are your support system and will be more than happy to help you navigate your tough times.

Focus on moving on. Focus for a while on your career and family. If you help someone else out, you’ll feel good, and have a chance to take your mind off the pain. Good times are a great way to help you get over heartbreak. Keep ongoing with your day and focus on your work.

Serve: Community service is one of the best ways to feel a sense of importance, mission, and purpose. Helping others will give you good feelings and take your mind off the pain.

Shift focus: Shift your focus from feeling the pain of breakup towards building yourself. Focus on your growth by improving your skills, career, income, and health.

Gratitude: Be grateful for all the positive things in your life. Think about creating your future instead of letting a single loss destroy a beautiful possibility of life.

Fill your time: This might sound like escapism but it’s a good strategy in the initial stages after a break-up. Fill your time to the last minute on purposeful activities while at the same time, allowing yourself some space to grieve and let it out.

Seek professional help: Don’t be ashamed if you are unable to help yourself. A skilled counseling professional can quicken the process and ease the emotional pain for you.

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Making Your Marriage Work

When there is a true commitment in the pair to make their marriage work, marital problems can be used as a harbinger for building a stronger marital relationship. Rather than lead to a divorce. Each person has their own breaking point and whether we like it or not, it takes both partners to sustain a marriage. A breaking point could be that you stop caring about what your partner does or says. Such events indicate to an individual that it’s time to call it an end.

Just looking at the ill effects of divorce should make us keep a safe distance from the idea, unless of course if staying is more harmful like in the cases of abuse. There is an emotional drain followed by legal hassles, financial losses and extreme stress due to the various processes and steps of divorce. It goes without saying that children take the biggest hit in the process. They will need a lot of emotional support through the process and also well into their adulthood to make sure that they live a healthier and happier life. It also affects families on either side, friends and social circles.

Problems Leading To Divorce

It now makes sense to look at the major factors which lead to this situation. Also, be wary to avoid falling into those pits. Here are few common marital problems that often lead to divorce:

Communication: Communication and friendship are keys to a great marriage and friendship can never happen when communication lacks.

Quality time: Disconnected lives and demanding careers fuel this issue. It is important to accept that spending quality time together sparks the passion and love in a marriage and keeps it fresh.

Intimacy: Intimacy is not just about sex, cuddling or kissing but it can also be experienced by holding each other’s hands and doing household/cooking chores together.

Money: The problem is not about having less money or more money but having different ideas on how much is needed and never reaching a common ground or due to unwise earning and spending habits.

Respect: There are no replacements to the good old trust, respect and confidence you show in each other when it comes to maintaining a happy relationship. Patience and tolerance add to the benefits.

What then, are the solutions? Here are a few:

• Remove the word ‘divorce’ off of your solutions list
• Find the origins of the problems
• Seek the support of friends and family in resolving issues
• Seek professional counseling if the necessity is felt
• Mistakes happen, and nobody is perfect.
• Talk about your needs, thoughts, feelings, and emotions to your partner
• Spend more quality time together
• Change the negatives into positives through mutual communication, respect, and compromise

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Mothers Love: Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn’t know you had, and dealing with fears you didn’t know existed.

Things your mother never told you:

•You made her cry..a lot:

Every time you hurt, she hurt, when you didn’t fare well in school or got into fights in the playground, she would hurt and cry. But she hid her tears so that you wouldn’t see her tears as a sign of her weakness. She wanted to remain strong for you.

• She wanted that last piece of cake:

She endlessly sacrificed her wants her desires and her needs for you. She wanted that symbolic last piece of cake but gave it to you so that your needs came before hers.

• It hurts:

Being a mother hurts, every cruel remark you, every time you refused to eat the meal she cooked, it hurt her.

• She was always afraid:

She was afraid when you stepped out of the house, till the moment you re-entered the house. As long as you were under her protected sight, you were safe. At any moment she would sacrifice her life to protect you.

• She knows that she is not perfect:

She knows that she has flaws and you didn’t need to remind her. She is working on fixing them. To you, your mother may not be perfect, but she is continuously striving to improve herself.

• She watched you as slept:

Even as you grew older she watched you sleep. The systematic rhythm of your breathing while you slept, gave her confidence that you were safe and secure.

• She carried you a longer than nine months:

She may have carried you only for 9 months in her womb, but she carried you much longer in her heart.

• She put you first:

She has always cherished you and put you first before herself

• She would do it again:

Despite the stress of nourishing you in her womb, the pain of childbirth and the effort of raising you. She would do it again and again. Never doubt that.

The law of the universe is that a woman can’t become a mother without a man, so the most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.

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To the single person, the life of a married couple seems ideal. The married person always has a companion, someone to love and be loved by at all times. On the other hand, if you ask a married person they will tell you that married life is not a bed of roses, and there are many ups and downs and compromises in a marriage. Those of you, who have found an ideal mate are extremely fortunate and lucky, and their life will most likely be bliss.

Those who haven’t found a mate that is compatible with them will have a life full of challenges and stress, and the marriage can even end in divorce.  Divorce in itself is extremely stressful, mentally, physically and also financial draining. While there is no sure shot way of identifying an ideal mate, given below are 5 pointers that will help you decide if the person you are considering to marry is right for you. This list is applicable to both men and women.

How does this person make you feel?

When you are with this person which emotions are evoked in you? Is it happiness, stress, joy, sadness, confusion? Do you enjoy the time you spend with this person? If the feelings aren’t positive, and happy, you may be heading towards a danger zone.

Do both of you have similar life goals?  

Are your goals similar, do both of you want children, what do you think about success, finances, how much do you care about the size of the house, the number of cars and the job title.

Do both of you share similar beliefs?

Are your religious beliefs the same? Cross religion marriages cause stress, if one of you is an atheist, and the other one is deeply religious this can lead to turmoil in the family. Do you share the same beliefs on food (vegetarian vs non-vegetarian), alcohol, drugs etc?

Would this person get along with your friends and family?

Would this person gel well with you immediate family? Will your parents accept him or her as another child? Will your siblings enjoy his or her company? What about your friends?

Are you physically  attracted to him or her?

Is there physical attraction towards this person? Do you like their smile, the twinkle in their eyes?  Does the aesthetics of their face, body structure appeal to you?

In conclusion, if you find that you are incompatible with the person, it is best to end the relationship sooner than later. It is not sensible to invest time and emotions in a relationship which may not have a long term viability. Eventually it is your life, and you are the person who will spend the next several decades with this person.  Choose wisely.

More about Dr. Prerna Kohli

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About Dr. Prerna Kohli

Dr. Kohli believes that “You can talk with a close friend or relative about what’s troubling you; but it’s not the same as professionally-trained experienced psychologist who knows exactly what kind of help you need.”

She is a 100 women Achievers Award Winner (2016) from the Honorable President of India, Shri Pranab Mukherjee.

Dr. Prerna Kohli is a Clinical Psychologist, a Public Speaker, a Workshop Facilitator and a Holistic Practitioner. She offers Heart-based workshops and lectures that focus on Life Balance, Self-awareness and Inner Peace. Dedicated to sharing her knowledge and compassion with others, Prerna blends intuitive wisdom with solid understanding, creating a powerful holistic approach, specializing in the areas of Emotional change.

Dr. Prerna Kohli is a leading Psychologist in India and provides families, individuals, parents and children counseling on being happy.

When it comes to talking about sex we often shy away, but it is important that we give importance to these problems as they often are indicators of a more serious issue. One reason for the lack of intimacy is impotence, which is the inability to have an erection, which is firm enough to engage in sexual intercourse.

Impotence or the lack of desire may happen from time to time but if it happens very frequently then it is a sign of some other psychological condition that has to be treated. It is most important to meet with a medical doctor to rule out any physical problem, if there is none, then it necessary to meet with a psychologist to help understand the psychological issue.

Impotence can occur due to physical factors like high blood pressure, heart diseases, alcoholism, etc and also due to psychological factors like stress and depression. Thus, it leads to various complications like relationship problems, an unsatisfactory sex life, depression and low self-esteem.

Firstly, discuss your symptoms with your family doctor who will help determine if the problem is physical. If the problem is not physical but psychological then you will need to consult with an experienced Psychologist.

“You can talk with a close friend or relative about what’s troubling you; but it’s not the same as professionally-trained experienced psychologist who knows exactly what kind of help you need” – Dr. Prerna Kohli.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

About Dr. Prerna Kohli

She is a 100 women Achievers Award Winner (2016) from the Honorable President of India, Shri Pranab Mukherjee.

Dr. Prerna Kohli is a Clinical Psychologist, a Public Speaker, a Workshop Facilitator and a Holistic Practitioner. She offers Heart-based workshops and lectures that focus on Life Balance, Self-awareness and Inner Peace. Dedicated to sharing her knowledge and compassion with others, Prerna blends intuitive wisdom with solid understanding, creating a powerful holistic approach, specializing in the areas of Emotional change.

Dr. Prerna Kohli is a leading Psychologist in India and provides families, individuals, parents and children counselling on being happy.

Bully Mother-in-Law?

There is a probability that your husband’s beloved mother is a bully. Unfortunately, if this is the case then it is your misfortune.

You may observe that your bully mother-in-law resents you, and as a result of that, in covert or not so coveted fashion she will do everything possible to make your miserable. She derives joy in your unhappiness. For her, nothing you do can be correct. She will complain to anyone ready to listen to her that you aren’t raising her beloved grandchildren to the high standards she expects. She will loudly complain that you aren’t paying sufficient attention to her darling son. Unfortunately, in her opinion, the focus of your attention is your parents and your siblings.

Frequently families have a problem in recognizing that the mother-in-law is a bully. The family assumes that since she is older, wiser and more experienced she is correct, even your husband and his family side with her. Unfortunately, your husband may also accept that his mother is a bully, but requests you to “bear” with it for the sake of family harmony.

It is important to understand what is bullying? Bullying is unacceptable behavior among children or adults. Bullying is the use of force, coercion, threats, intimidation or aggressive behavior to dominate or subjugate others.

The following seven points are signals that your mother-in-law is a bully.

If you observe these behaviors in her; it is an opportune moment to meet with an experienced marriage counselor:

• She complains about you to her son (your husband)
• She feels that you aren’t raising her grandchildren correctly
• If you are a stay at home mother, she accuses you of being lazy, if you are a working mother, she accuses you of not prioritizing your children and husband
• She favors one grandchild over the other, she giving one grandchild more gifts than the other
• Whenever she calls, she speaks to her son only, even when she visits, she tends to ignore you
• She manipulates you and your husband, by crying pouting and misbehaving till she gets her way
• She saying mean and hurtful things about you, she may say these directly to you also

What should you do?

If you feel that your mother-in-law is a bully, then the first person you need to talk to is your husband. It is his moral duty and responsibility to address these issues with his mother and act as a buffer between you and her. At the time of marriage, he vowed to protect you, and this starts right now with keeping his mother in-check.

If you find that the stress of dealing with a “bully” mother-in-law is taking a toll on your mental wellness, it is an excellent opportunity to meet with an experienced psychologist.

Also read the blog on Bully Daughter-in-law

More about Dr. Prerna Kohli

“You can talk with a close friend or relative about what’s troubling you; but it’s not the same as a professionally-trained experienced psychologist who knows exactly what kind of help you need” – Dr. Prerna Kohli.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

About Dr. Prerna Kohli

 She is a 100 women Achievers Award Winner (2016) from the Honorable President of India, Shri Pranab Mukherjee.

Dr. Prerna Kohli is a Clinical Psychologist, a Public Speaker, a Workshop Facilitator and a Holistic Practitioner. She offers Heart-based workshops and lectures that focus on Life Balance, Self-awareness, and Inner Peace. Dedicated to sharing her knowledge and compassion with others, Prerna blends intuitive wisdom with a solid understanding, creating a powerful holistic approach, specializing in the areas of Emotional change.

Dr. Prerna Kohli is a leading Psychologist in India and provides families, individuals, parents and children counseling on being happy.

Children who are bullies often grow up to be adults who are bullies. Unfortunately, spouses who are bullies make marriage very difficult and the other spouse suffers from emotional and psychological scars.

Firstly, Bullies come in all ages and sizes. Thus, if your neighbour, boss or colleague at work is a bully, then you can learn to avoid them. But, if your spouse is bully your marriage can have serious consequences. 

Many times, people have a problem in recognizing if their spouse is a bully, they assume that the spouse is “different”. Hence, It is important to understand what is bullying? Bullying is an unacceptable behavior among children or adults. Thus, Bullying is the use of force, coercion, threats, intimidation or aggressive behavior to dominate or subjugate others.

The following seven points are signals that your spouse is a bully.

If you observe these behaviors in your spouse, it is an opportune moment to meet with an experienced marriage counselor:

Name Calling: 

Firstly, not using terms of endearment, but abuses, such “bitch”, “asshole”, “bastard” etc

Taunting:

Also, Provoking or challenging you with verbal assaults

Verbal or Physical Aggression:

Besides verbally assaulting you, a bully spouse may physically or sexually abuse you

Controlling Behavior:

Controls whom you meet, what you wear, how you behave

Put-Downs in front of Others:

Scolds you or comments on you, and belittles you in front of others

Disrespectful of you in front of others or in private:

Marriage is a partnership of two equals, if one spouse is disrespectful of the other, it is an indication of bullying

Using sex as a tool of control:

Spouses tend to use sex as tool to provide or withhold favours

Thus, If you find that the stress of dealing with a “bully” spouse is taking a toll on your mental wellness, it is an excellent opportunity to meet with an experienced psychologist.

“You can talk with a close friend or relative about what’s troubling you; but it’s not the same as a professionally-trained experienced psychologist who knows exactly what kind of help you need” – Dr. Prerna Kohli.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

About Dr. Prerna Kohli

 She is a 100 women Achievers Award Winner (2016) from the Honorable President of India, Shri Pranab Mukherjee.

Dr. Prerna Kohli is a Clinical Psychologist, a Public Speaker, a Workshop Facilitator and a Holistic Practitioner. She offers Heart-based workshops and lectures that focus on Life Balance, Self-awareness and Inner Peace. Dedicated to sharing her knowledge and compassion with others, Prerna blends intuitive wisdom with solid understanding, creating a powerful holistic approach, specializing in the areas of Emotional change.

Dr. Prerna Kohli is a leading Psychologist in India and provides families, individuals, parents and children counselling on being happy.